Of Graduation and Moving On

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

May peace be upon you, dear readers.

3 years has passed since I wrote my last post. So, what happened during the off-radar period?

1) Alhamdulillah, I have graduated with a degree in Chemistry from University of Glasgow on June 2017.

My family and I - we got new addition to the family, baby Zahra. Such a cheeky little girl and cute too. By the way, graduates from Scottish universities does not wear mortar board during graduation ceremony. I wore it just for fun. :D

2) I'm back in Malaysia and currently working in a company in which my mom's the boss.
3) I have attended a German language course and planning to continue learning until I obtained the A2 certificate.

Basically, that's it.

WELL, IT'S NOT.

I kept spending my whole day every day regretting my past - thinking what I could have done better when I was still in the uni. Even with my degree, I still couldn't secure any job in chemical sectors, be it a chemist or lab assistant. My self-esteem went downhill, I'm feeling insecure, helpless and hopeless.

I had a conversation with my mom yesterday. It's a long conversation, so I'll just write the gist of it or at least, what I understood from the talk - I should have set up a concrete plan for my future from the start or at least before I graduated. Because now I'm lost, not sure what to do. If it weren't the fact that my mom owns a company, I will be jobless.

It has been 8 months since I graduated and I still couldn't figure out what I want to do - whether to work or continue my study. I did applied for jobs as advertised in Jobstreet, haven't got any offer so far. Got rejected many times - giving up seems to be the best option.

Even for Masters, I couldn't made up my mind - do I want to continue in Chemistry or try other courses such as MBA or Chemical Engineering. I am beyond grateful that I managed to apply for one Master course at USM, still waiting for reply though.

I am well aware of my problems, it's just that instead of facing them, I chose to hide and recluse myself in my created universe, my comfort zone. It is a place where you just go with the flow, accepting whatever that is in front of you. But there's a part of me that wants to live an adventurous life - I do not mean by backpacking and travelling - but by taking risks in every choice that I make. There's also another part of me that wants to stay, not wanting to be hurt by the cruel reality of the world.

Now I'm in a limbo, stuck between this two choices.

Or am I?

For it may be that I created the limbo on purpose or I am just being blinded with my daydreams (an alternate world where I imagine myself being perfect), preferring it than my real life.

I do not know. 

My dear fellow readers, I can not foresee the future and know how my life will turned out. I am not expecting the impossible, I just want to live my life happily and be grateful with everything that I had. At one point, I will be tired with daydreaming and regretting, and maybe that will be my turning point. I'm waiting for it, the leap of faith. I will make the leap without a doubt, I'm sure.

Maybe then I can finally move on.

To become a better person.
A good daughter, a good sister.
An obedient servant to my Lord.

Until then, I will try my best to live every single day and not giving up on my life.

And Allah knows best.

Das ist alles.

Goodbye for now. :)